Why Didn’t They Tell Us?

Teen and Tween Social Struggles with Abby Gagerman

“A lot of what our girls are experiencing today feels straight out of ‘Mean Girls,’” says Abby Gagerman, licensed social worker with her own private psychotherapy practice. Abby joins host Leslie Randolph to talk about the phenomenon of being “dropped” from friend groups. Social media, technology and the lingering effects of the Covid-19 lockdown have merely exacerbated the age-old phenomenon whereby middle schoolers form cliques which inevitably leave certain kids out. Too often, says Abby, moms of tweens and teens  try to socially engineer their children’s friend groups—often to exorcise their own childhood trauma--and instill in their teens the belief that their own comfort should be sacrificed for other people—including people who aren’t good for them. 
 
On this episode of Why Didn’t They Tell Us?, Abby will explain how you can prepare yourself for this tricky time in your teen’s life, and teach them resilience and self-regulation. She’ll explain the very specific language that will help you to validate your teen, listen to their feelings and stop placing your own comfort at the center of their decision-making. You’ll learn how to stop controlling and teach your teen to make values-based decisions so that they can attract quality people into their lives. 
 
For many people, middle school is the worst time of their lives, but with Abby’s help, you can maximize this time of learning to help your teen develop a healthy value system that will carry them forward on their journey. 
 
Quotes
“Our job is not to control them; our job is to teach them.” (9:17 | Abby Gagerman)
“So, the dropping—the problem isn’t the dropping itself. The problem is how we got there, but the phenomenon is here to stay. So, the question becomes, ‘What do we as mothers do about it?’” (20:53 | Abby Gagerman)
“Rules are an articulation of our expectations which are an articulation of our values. So, if we’re making rules out of our own discomfort, then what are we saying we’re valuing? ‘My comfort is more important than yours.’ What is comfortable for me is more important than you being authentic and figuring out your life. So, I’ll say to a parent, ‘It’s OK to set a limit on your kid if you don’t want them sleeping at somebody’s house. Of course, you’re the parent. If there’s something about it that you don’t like, it’s OK to set that limit. Don’t use the language, ‘It makes me uncomfortable.’” (23:00 | Abby Gagerman)
“Our job isn’t to fix their social life. Our life is to teach them how to manage their emotions and how to manage their emotions and how to act in line with their values.That is our job. So, in that moment we need to do this: we need to help our child regulate. We need to help them see that just because you were rejected doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to live, or you don’t deserve happiness or you’re not worthy.” (27:59 | Abby Gagerman)
“Accept the lack of control you have over the situation. You can’t control your kid.” (41:21 | Abby Gagerman)
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The Gift of Gratitude for Teens with Meredith Rivkin

“It really shifts your thinking to things you wouldn’t give a second thought to,” says today’s guest Meredith Rivkin about the power of practicing gratitude. A junior in high school, Meredith serves as the president of the teen board at Gratitude Generation—g2—a nonprofit organization on a mission to instill gratitude in future generations through education and service. Meredith joins Why Didn’t They Tell Us to talk with host Leslie Randolph about what volunteering with the organization from such a young age has taught her about gratitude—as both an act and a feeling - and how giving back can instill confidence in teenagers living in an increasingly high-pressure world. 
 
Meredith discusses how she’s learned to communicate effectively with peers and adults alike, to market herself and to successfully run and execute an event. She’ll explain how gratitude affects teens’ mental health and what it means to GLOW. 
 
Gratitude offers teens what they want more than anything else: to feel seen and to feel like they matter. Join today’s episode to learn more about how to practice gratitude in your everyday life. 
 
Quotes
“I didn’t really realize it then but my mom and the other moms were really creating something that would become so significant and now as I’ve grown up with the Gratitude Generation, I realize how important it is.” (5:09 | Meredith Rivkin)
“Gratitude Generation really taught me to be grateful for the small things and what I already had, not just what I continued to get.” (6:48 | Meredith Rivkin)
“As a teen it definitely improves your mental health and you just feel like the things that seem so big in your life aren’t that big anymore. Also, one of the G2 coined terms is the GLOW—it stands for Gratitude Lights Our World and I really think that’s what demonstrates the feeling and the act of gratitude. You really get the GLOW when you’re done doing a service project or you really just feel grateful for everything that you have.” (15:08 | Meredith Rivkin)
“I think the act itself is about giving your time and giving your energy to do something for yourself that will make you feel good but also for somebody else in the community. So, I think it really makes you selfless and it really creates that feeling of gratitude for what you have and what you can do to help others. And then when you feel that gratitude, you’re more likely to help others in the future. It’s healthy for you, it’s healthy for your family, your relationships, and literally everybody around you. Especially when there’s so much negativity and down energy in the world, the feeling of gratitude helps compensate for the other heavy emotions that teenagers and adults have every day.” (21:23 | Meredith Rivkin)
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What is Self-Confidence?

“I don’t want it to be a best-kept secret. I want everyone to know,” says Leslie Randolph on this solo episode where she announces an upcoming series she is launching in honor of her successful TEDx Talk being released to YouTube. The series of short-and-sweet episodes will be dedicated to unpacking the secrets of self-confidence and show you how to cultivate it. In this first episode of the self-confidence series, Leslie shares that it is a choice and a skill that must be practiced daily. 
 
Tune in to hear Leslie’s definition of what self-confidence actually is, as well as two critical truths about it. She’ll explain how your self-image is yours to shape and how you can get started right away. 
 
Join Leslie to hear the genuine joy she feels in sharing this message with those who need to hear it. 
 
Quotes
“I’m on a mission to spread self-confidence like confetti,” say host Leslie Randolph, “so that the next generation of girls forever knows that they can choose to love, trust and believe in themselves.” (1:20 | Leslie Randolph)
“It’s never too late to start loving, trusting and believing in you.” (1:42 | Leslie Randolph)
“I don’t want what I know and have the privilege of sharing with my clients to be the best-kept secret. I want everyone to know. I want you to know it, and to use it, and then to take into your world.” (2:07 | Leslie Randolph)
“Self-confidence is a feeling which means it comes from your thinking. And not just any brand of thinking will do if you want to cultivate self-confidence. It has to be thinking that is rooted in loving, trusting, and believing in you. It is thinking that focuses more on your gifts and goodness than your faults and past failures. It is thinking that shines a light on your strengths versus your shortcomings. It is thinking that says, ‘I know you can figure this out. And I have your back through it all. So, if you want to cultivate that feeling of self-confidence you have to take the time to look for this within you. You will always find what you choose to focus on. Choose to focus on all that is amazing about you. There is so much to find if you look for it.” (4:38 | Leslie Randolph) 
“The thoughts you think about you are a choice you make. Which means that feeling of self-confidence is a choice. Choose it!” (7:42 | Leslie Randolph)
Links
Leslie's TEDx Talk, The Secret to Self-Confidence
 
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The Power of Positivity & Community with The Pink Agenda's Samantha Golkin-Nigliazzo

“I didn’t slump over and start crying. I felt I had power,” says Samantha Golkin-Nigliazzo, an 11-year breast cancer survivor about receiving her diagnosis early thanks to vigilant screening and self-advocacy. More than a decade after her diagnosis, she now empowers others by serving as the vice president of The Pink Agenda and co-chair of the organization's Education Committee. The Pink Agenda is a nonprofit organization committed to raising money for breast cancer research and care, as well as awareness of the disease among young professionals. 
 
On this episode of Why Didn’t They Tell Us? Samantha speaks to host Leslie Randolph about the importance of positive thinking and reframing, the necessity for a supportive community, and how to serve as a compassionate caretaker when someone you love is facing a diagnosis. 
 
Samantha discusses the elements of what psychologist Martin Seligman called PERMA, the positive psychology acronym which lists the five elements of well-being and why she gravitates toward Jordyn Feingold’s adapted approach of REVAMP which encompasses relationships, engagement, vitality, accomplishment, meaning, and positive emotion. She explains the toll “scan-xiety” can have on those awaiting a result and why caretakers should take their cues, day-by-day, from those they love. 
 
Join today’s episode to hear Samantha’s message of hope and the power of positive thinking and community. 
 
Quotes
“Breast cancer is terrible. Breast cancer sucks. There’s no other word for it, but knowing that you’re called back and called back, the anxiety, ‘Is it something? Is it nothing? It could be a calcification. It could be a cyst. It could be benign. It could be this; it could be that.’ That’s what dissuades people from being on top of their health and getting their screening.” (9:11 | Samantha Golkin-Nigliazzo)
“I realized all those things that I had lived were things that have science-based research as to why they give you a life of elevated well-being, an elevated quality of life. I thought to myself, ‘Does that aid in risk? Does that aid in ultimate prognosis? The answer is, ‘Yes.’ ” (13:39 | Samantha Golkin-Nigliazzo)
“One of the things that I love about having community, being around people who have shared experiences—especially in the breast cancer world—is that it gives you hope. It gives you this perspective that the people around you are living and thriving and doing good things with their lives.” (38:55 | Samantha Golkin-Nigliazzo)
“There’s hope in community.” (40:00 | Samantha Golkin-Nigliazzo)
 
Links:
Learn More About The Pink Agenda
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How to Heal

“Compassion is the simplest solution to the world’s most complex problems,” says host Leslie Randolph on today’s episode of Why Didn’t They Tell Us. October is dedicated to breast cancer awareness, bullying prevention and marks one year since the tragic events of October 7 in Israel, and today Leslie focuses on healing ourselves and by extension, healing the world as a whole. This starts with feeling our feelings fully, while remaining in control of them, so that we can focus on loving, laughing, going and growing. 
 
Leslie cites the work of psychiatrist Dr. Daniel Siegel who coined the phrase “name it to tame it” as a way to manage emotions, and she explains how she would further expand on that concept with a phrase of her own. She also explains how compassion, kindness, courage and self-confidence work together to help us confront bullying—by allowing us to stand on our own when we need to, stand up for others or just be more considerate in our everyday lives. 
 
Join today’s discussion to learn more about the power of each person acting individually to create change collectively. 
 
Quotes
“Please do not ‘should’ yourself out of those emotions. They are your privilege as a human with breath in your body. I know they don’t feel good—I know—and that’s OK. Allow yourself to feel them and take care of yourself through them.” (6:27 | Leslie Randolph) 
“You can give your emotions the attention they want but you cannot give them all of you.” (7:16 | Leslie Randolph)
“Compassion is critical when we think about creating the collective change our world so desperately needs.” (10:49 | Leslie Randolph)
“Compassion is the simplest solution to the world’s most complex suffering.” (13:32 | Leslie Randolph) 
 
Links
BEtween Us Event Registration
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Emotional Resilience with Leah Davidson

“The nervous system is the behind-the-scenes to your mindset—the-behind-the scenes to everything—it fuels everything and is probably the most important investment you can make, ” says today’s guest Leah Davidson. A registered speech language pathologist and certified life coach—among a plethora of other certifications—Leah saw early on the role brain neuroplasticity and positive mindset played in a patient’s ability to heal and improve their conditions—even traumatic brain injuries. Today, she joins the Why Didn’t They Tell Us podcast to explain how the nervous system affects every aspect of our lives— from our outlook, mood, energy and the way we interpret information—as well as how we can develop a new positive mindset and increase our resilience. 
 
The process starts with developing an awareness of our own unique nervous systems and how they react to everything going on in our lives both internally and externally. Regulating our nervous systems is not only life-changing for us but for our teenage children who are watching our every move for cues as to how to react to their own worlds while their brains continue to mature. Leah explains how we can model positive nervous system regulation and emotional regulation for our kids.
 
Join today’s discussion to learn how you can tune into this most powerful internal system, work with it to develop a more positive mindset, and ultimately, change your life. 
Quotes
“The nervous system is the behind-the-scenes to your mindset. It’s the behind-the-scenes to everything that you do and it is probably the most valuable investment you can make—into your nervous system—because it fuels everything.” (6:13 | Leah Davidson)
“I believe you can’t really access your mindset without really understanding your nervous system. You can’t take full advantage of the benefits of working on your mindset without looking deeper at what your nervous system is because it’s sort of like the mindset…the tip of the iceberg that we work on but the nervous system is down below. So, we want to be accessing it all.” (13:08 | Leah Davidson)
“Your worth is in being and not doing.” (22:56 | Leah Davidson)
“Teens are also super unique because their brains are developing, their CEO is on its way to develop. Their CEO isn’t fully developed until they’re in their mid-twenties, so they are reading and relying a lot on the—hopefully—regulated adults around them, meaning they’re relying on their parents, their coaches, their teachers to not just serve as a cognitive example but to serve as a nervous system. We call it co-regulation—when they are in your presence, are they feeding off of a frenetic, hyper energy, or are they feeding off of a confident, calm energy?” (22:58 | Leah Davidson)
“We first learn about our nervous system through our caregivers and that is the importance of—when people say, ‘What can I do with my teen? What can I do with my children?’ Nothing, per se, to your children, it is your work to do. And if you do your work, that will spill over into every single relationship you have, especially the relationship with your kids.” (24:28 | Leah Davidson) 
Connect with Leah Davidson:
Leah's Instagram
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College Confidence

“I’m not just talking to new students who are starting this new chapter at college, this is for moms as well,” says host Leslie Randolph who dedicates today’s episode of Why Didn’t They Tell Us to helping teens and their parents build trust and confidence—in themselves and in each other—as those teens embark on this exciting new chapter in their lives. College presents its own unique set of challenges—making new friends, joining new clubs and societies all while maintaining good grades. Leslie’s formula for thriving with confidence remains the same: loving, trusting and believing in yourself. 
 
You have the power to control your thoughts. By telling yourself the story that you are the person you are striving to be, you create a roadmap of the steps to take to actually become that person. For moms, this goes double: you have to trust and believe in your kid as well as in yourself that you both will not only survive but thrive through this process. The answer lay not in making things less difficult, but in trusting that you both can handle the challenges.
 
Join today’s episode to hear Leslie share a story about how she overcame her own shyness to make new friends when her family moved to South Africa. She also shares the best way for parents to give their kids advice—and it might not be what you’re expecting.
 
Quotes
“Your thoughts are not facts. They aren’t truth. Most of the thoughts that we think are fictional stories and we’re the ones writing them. So, we want to use the power we have—everyone does—to write a story that we love, especially when that story is about you.” (8:19 | Leslie Randolph)
“You wouldn’t trust someone who didn’t have your best interests in mind or didn’t act in alignment with your values. The same is true for cultivating self-trust.” (11:14 | Leslie Randolph)
“You think the thoughts, and then you follow the steps of what that person you are trying to be would do.” (14:28 | Leslie Randolph)
“Moms you can trust yourselves by remembering all the lessons you taught her and modeled to her her whole life.” (23:01 | Leslie Randolph)
“You don’t stop being your kid's parents when they leave for school. You are just taking a more active role from the sidelines versus calling the plays.” (23:50 | Leslie Randolph)
 
Links
College-Bound Confidence for Moms
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Bouncing Back

“Everything is hard before you start,” explains Leslie who returns from summer vacation to start a new season talking about, well—getting back into your routine. On today’s episode, she’ll discuss the fear and anxiety that naturally accompanies returning to an old job or skill after a period away, or starting a new endeavor entirely. It is completely normal to feel nervous, doubtful and like you’ve lost your mojo, however, it’s not a reason not to start. Leslie shares how to prove the doubting voice in your head wrong, face your fears, and act as your own bestie. 
 
As she explains throughout today’s episode, it takes a combination of humility, flexibility, compassion and action. Self-confidence is like working out—it can be painful at first but the more you do it, the easier it becomes. And you have to be willing to be bad at your goal of choice for a little while, at least at the beginning. 
 
Join in to learn what first inspired Leslie to become a confidence coach, as well as how you can be part of the exciting new expansion to her business.
 
Quotes
“I had a coaching mentor who once said to our cohort, ‘All roads lead back to Rome.’ And as a general life coach, I found that ‘Rome’ was self-love. Rome was self-worth. Rome was self-confidence.” (1:59 | Leslie Randolph)
“That teenage insecurity and self-consciousness and doubt that might have you not raising your hand in the classroom and then all of a sudden when you grow up becomes imposter syndrome and you’re not raising your hand in the boardroom.” (3:14 | Leslie Randolph)
“If I boil down so much of what I do with my clients it is really teaching them how to be a friend to themselves, a cheerleader to themselves. That bestie.” (3:58 | Leslie Randolph)
“The edge of the diving board is always scarier than jumping. Nothing is harder than the moments before taking that first courageous step toward your goal.” (9:50 | Leslie Randolph)
"If your brain is telling you 'you can't do it’ yeah, you can believe, ‘I can do it, I’m willing to try, I’m willing to give it a chance.’ You know what else you can do? You can go do it. Sometimes, the greatest gift you can give that bully brain is to prove it wrong with your actions. It’s like, ‘Watch me.’ So the best action? To start, to try, to see what’s possible and to see what you are capable of." (11:18 | Leslie Randolph) 
“If you don’t challenge those beliefs with action, what often happens is you just continue to think that they’re true. And it’s not that they’re true, it’s that you didn’t do anything to prove them wrong.” (15:23 | Leslie Randolph)
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Lessons Learned from a Dream Come True

“Nothing changes everything,” says host Leslie Randolph on this summer season finale of Why Didn’t They Tell Us? Today, she draws from her recent experience giving a TEDx Talk—a longtime dream come true—to remind us of some of the most valuable lessons we’ve learned in episodes past. In this era of instant fame and “going viral,” it’s easy to believe that one event can instantly turn our whole worlds around. The true change that occurs, as Leslie will explain, is different, but better and much more valuable.
 
Leslie reminds us that because our brains are made to keep us safe from the danger of taking risks, their default mode is negative. So it is up to us to think positively—even before we have proof of success—that we can do it and that we are worthy. Circumstances are neither good nor bad, we get to determine how we feel about them.
 
What dreams of your own will you boldly chase this summer? Leslie will return this Fall for a season full of new insights and advice to help you and your teen become more self-loving and self-confident. 
 
Quotes
“Nothing changes everything. What happens on the other side of a dream come true? It changes you. Dreams coming true don’t change everything, they change you. And that’s what matters even more.” (6:33 | Leslie Randolph) 
“Self-confidence, that holy grail emotion that I know so many of us seek is rooted in loving and believing in you. And a lot of times I think we feel like we need a reason, proof, to love and believe in ourselves.” (7:03 | Leslie Randolph)
“If I asked you to list out, right now, ten amazing things about you and what you’ve accomplished in your life, would you have that list at the ready?” (9:00 | Leslie Randolph)
“I had no evidence that I could do this Ted Talk, I had no evidence that I could do a podcast. I had to believe in me, and be willing to go after that goal, to take that risk, to leave my comfort zone, but you’ve got to believe first.” (10:57 | Leslie Randolph)
“Now on the other side of those goals, those risks, when you are in the discomfort zone, when you’ve made it there, when you’ve trained your brain to say, “I’m willing to feel these feels. I’m willing to do this,’ then you have the evidence. That’s the as-soon-as. You’ve got the proof.” (11:18 | Leslie Randolph) 
Connect With Leslie:
Leslie's TEDx Talk (tune in at 22:00)
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Mindset, Meditation, and Magic with Sandra Merrill

“Time for yourself is one of the most important gifts that you can give yourself,” says Sandra Merrill, holistic mind, body, and energy coach. Born an anxious kid and later struggling with the high intensity of living in New York City, she discovered the power of savasana yoga and the importance of taking time to be quiet and alone with one’s thoughts. She explains that for many, this is a scary prospect. People often feel too busy or fear there is a ‘right’ way to meditate and that they might do it ‘wrong.’
 
In today’s episode of Why Didn’t They Tell Us?, Sandra dispels many myths and extols the virtues of meditation. Despite the uncontrollable aspects of our world, we can control how we show up in it. We can accept our thoughts and responses and mindfully bring ourselves back to center.
 
Sandra points out that if you can spend ten minutes mindlessly scrolling social media, you can take the time for meditation and experience life-changing results.
 
Quotes
“We are constantly distracted and feeling like we need to be doing more, and we need to be moving and we need to be creating and we end up, I think, doing less. But I think that is what pushes us back. Who wants to sit down with themselves and dedicate time to sit down with themselves for 10 minutes? It sounds daunting and it sounds long. But I can guarantee you that those same people—sometimes myself included—have no problem scrolling on any social media platform for ten minutes, mindlessly, wasting that time.” (13:39 | Sandra Merrill) 
“I think so much of meditation is about acceptance of, ‘I am thinking these thoughts. I accept that.’ ‘This is happening in my life. How can I accept that?’ There’s so little that we have control over. In fact, we only really have control over how we show up in the world.” (28:09 | Sandra Merrill) 
“You know when Buddha sat with himself…I like knowing we can all do this…repeat the phrase ‘so hum’…come back to this ‘so hum.’” (26:36 | Sandra Merrill) 
“Meditation brings us back to that place of, “I know the answer already.” (31:37 | Sandra Merrill) 
 
Connect with Sandra Merrill:
Find Sandra Online
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